You can do it!

Mmm I haven't posted for a while, but just had to today. Auntie Diane's comment for the day is this.
We all make mistakes and the best thing that we can do is recognise that we're not perfect, admit that we've been a bit of an ejit and pick ourselves up. There are lots of friends and supporters and prayers out there willing us to do well and to move on from mistakes. Nothing and no one is beyond redemption - we also have a fantastic Father in heaven who just cares so much about us and won't take us beyond what we can bear.
Pick up the phone, get on your knees and stop feeling sorry for yourself - there's too much at stake.

Dammam Calling

Good evening Great Auntie Di. was going to say all readers but that may fall on deaf ears. It's been a while since I have sought your advice on this forum but have been hearing from you regularly over the last few days by email.

Now then, a question, your advice counts to me. Remember we were mentioning about shaving my legs (not the both of us doing it, just me). Well, as I seem to lack any form of a tan & time's running out, really only have tomorrow afternoon & Friday before I resort to a bottle tan as coming back next Thursday night, I thinking of the options to resolve it & best one to guarantee some sort of a tan. You likely see from the way I'm writing this, my mind's racing.

Right then. As I'm abit hairy, do you think that as time is limited & the hairiness may be blocking out those wonderful 45-50c degree rays, should I do 'an all over', well maybe not quite all over. Say chest & legs. That's the 1st issue to consider.

Then there's the method. I don't do pain so waxing is out & think that as I'd come round to the matter of shaving the other half of my shins & up to the bottom of my shorts, shaving is what I'd like to do. I thought I cracked this whole issue but one event has now knocked me back again. Great Auntie Di, I'm going round in circles here.

The event happened pre work today. Decided I'd use my new Gillette Fusion Power razor & on power mode (it is a dual one, you can use it as a normal razor!!). It was a wonderful shave, my face feels so so smooth, I have it on good word, sadly from myself. But, my faith servant Gillette Mach3 Turbo has performed so well for many years, it seems I'm torn between loyalty & the 'feel good factor'. Do you have any experience in this field, I can't remember whether Gillette offer the equivalent for ladies, it's been so long!!! Maybe you prefer wax, I don't know but do need your guidance here.

I really hope you can guide me through this traumatic time, things were going to well today until I got into the lift tonight, glanced at myself in the mirror & thought - Mark, your legs look as daft as you are & the people who see you when you get home, will think you never get out. Well that bit is true. I'm working hard all day where the lunatics run the asylum!!!

Your Cry Is Answered!

Yes, it's time I helped you after all, you've been great to me. Hence, as you will see on my comment re: Cry for Help & Mark of Arabia, I'm throwing you a lifebuoy to grab hold of. Go on, grab it, take a sabbatical & come to Bahrain. I may even add in a joint personal shopper role for you & Anne. Don't worry about Sam & Iona, I'll give you much more leave to visit them & also your husband, Alan of Scrabo. Once settled, you can find a place of your own to live & bring them all here too.

Now the main problem is obviously The LINK, what with both Anne & you leaving at the same time. Had you demonstrated to me more knowledge of unit of measurements & construction companies responsible for the almighty flood, I'd have offered you a job swap, I'm sure I'd have been more a 'fish out of water than you'. It would have been a simple case of 'sink or swim'. As I can't swim, I'd have sunk & as I like taking shortcuts, I'd have dived!! Anyway, I'm sure you'll find someone mad enough to do a job that some never realise what effort, time & dedication it takes & that's just during 'office hours'!!!

Cry for Help

I think Great Auntie Di needs help from Mr of Arabia.
Northern Ireland is in trouble. On Saturday past we had 7cms of rain in a day which is apparently what we normally have in a whole month of wet Sundays. Roads, houses, fields have all been flooded. Some bullocks had to swim for their lives. But the worst thing that happened could possibly have been prevented if you had been in the country and taken that Lagans job!! The new underpass at the end of the M1 just at the Royal totally filled with water. It became what could only be described as a bowl and 20 feet of water right up to the top!! Some poor man had to be rescued from the top of his car before he drowned and in the end they had to cut through the central reservation to let the cars escape.
All that money and planning - much of the money to Quantity Surveyors and no plughole to let the water go away. Where were you? Can you save us in the future? What can we do? Who is to blame? This is one too big for Great Auntie Di.

Let's Shut Them Both Down

I've just been reviewing both the blogsites & it seems that the 2 people who have the least time on their hands due to their commitments both at work & in their personal lives are, you Great Auntie Di & me, Mark of Arabia. Shall we, as respective blog administrators retract the permissions for them all to blog. No, that would be fair.

So what can I leave you tonight to consider - I'm not going to mention anything more about my eating habits, the proof will be in the pudding (sorry your pavlova) when you see me next week. While I do little exercise if I'm honest, I don't think I've put on much weight. But that's something you will be the judge of. I've lost abit of weight on my head - had head shaved last week & some also on my legs thanks to wearing office trousers again.

As the weather seems to be somewhat stormy over there, I'm faced with the decision of whether I should shave my legs up to halfway up my thighs like I am led to believe some females do. It's just that if the sun does shine while I'm back, I may get my pins out & don't want any funny remarks regarding my half hairy shins. What you recommend Great Auntie Di.

The past is bright..the past is orange. Competition.

Ah..the secret of youth! Mmm look at those vibrant colours those lovely hair styles, those fresh faces of The Link staff. This is a time when Anne was a youthworker, MARC didn't exist instead there was CHAT!! Gareth had just joined as a trainee youth worker and Irene still looked happy. What year is it?

Promises, Promises!! I'm Still Waiting For Your Birthday Treat!!!

I refer to a comment you made on Mark of Arabia. I'd expected that I was in for a 'right going over from you.' It is yet to materialise & while I've cut down on the fags, reduced my tea intake & starting look after my physique, I wonder now it is all worth it.

Actually, I'm stopping there, the above could be read in the so much the wrong way. I have indeed cut down on the fags, why I don't know but maybe something to do with throwing my butt (cigarette) in the bin, locking my office door & heading out for lunch. When I got back I thought it was just the normal daily roll call but the sirens were heard & smoked was coming from the vicinity I realised not.

Fortunately, it had burnt only a little of the owner's portrait on the wall, melted little of a scale model of one of the largest oil refineries the company has ever built and there was still half of it left, I'd dropped the packet running up in the stairs to prevent our fire warden for making short work of the glass door with the sledgehammer.

I sat back down, flicked off the lights & waited to everyone else to file in before commenting that I couldn't find anyone to make me a cup of tea!!!! Now I feel like a schoolboy having to hide behind the back of the building while others watch me, mumbling under their breath - to think that we are actually paying that guy to stand there & smoke, what is this company thinking of.

That's maybe way I've cut down but don't try the first bit at home.

Don't overfeed your lizard

You all know dear readers that Great Auntie Di tries to help out in a local community centre to support those dear souls who have yet not found access to her online support. Well, it is amazing the range of topics we are expected have knowledge of. As Virtual Methodist would always be my "phone a friend" on "Who wants to be a Millionaire" when I get on - perhaps he could turn his attention to this one which echoed down the corridor today. "Can you kill a lizard by overfeeding it?" We at The Link offer support to pre-school children, those with addictions, young people and older people, but sadly reptiles are not considered to be either a community relations or indeed community development issue. However, we offer a holistic service and I cry out to all of you other bloggers out there, please help me support this poor woman's plea.
Goldfish can indeed be killed remarkably easily by overfeeding - I think they keep forgetting that they have eaten once they've swum round the bowl once and then have another meal, and another, and another....

I just thought that all my readers out there would benefit from seeing what happens to the skin of those those who don't exercise enough and eat excessive amounts of chocolate. Obviously excessive weight gain can be seen by the size of the head, but the man in question was only 39 year old when he succumbed to cocoa poisoning and scurvy.

Belated advice

Dear Mr Of Arabia,
First of all can I apologise for the tardiness of this advice. Alas life over the last few days has been a little hectic in the Great Auntie Di household. Although you are wrong on one front. I suggest that Uncle Al's hands are not like yours as my hardworking husband doesn't do what he should and don the marigolds when he dutifuly does the dishes each evening. Indeed he has struggled with issues around chapped hands and has had to resort to the special fishermans hand creams for real men! Alas, this is not what will help in your case. There are indeed a number of handcreams that can be purchased with nail strengthener, but I recommend Sally Hansens "Hard as Nails" with strengthener. Brittle nails can be such a trial and Sally obviously has it sussed. Admittedly there can be a bit of a sheen and sparkle from your nails once this product is applied, but I'm sure those big Arab men will understand that it is for nail health reasons. Eating raw jelly (lots of jelatine) can see an improvement within a mere five days.
Alas on the tiredness, I must return to my other advice re exercise, although I would add that eating fresh fruit - (I'm sure the lovely Salah would cut it up for you if you asked him nicely) and vegetables would also help your energy levels, as would reducing your sugar intake from chocolate bars. I have no doubt that you will follow this advice to the letter and feel better within a few days.

Advice Sought II

While grooming myself last night prior to retiring for the evening, I manicured my fingernails ( trimmed only, no nail varnish was in any pressies). I found (not the 1st time either) that my nails seem to be very brittle, more than they used to be. While my hands are very soft, likely more than some hard working females, I still use hand cream regularly in the hope some day that I may find a way to put them to use - suppose typing being one. However, it's not strengthening my nails & I'm alittle worried that should I accidentally hit them against something solid, the consequences may well be painful.

I would appreciate your advice on this, while I'm sure you do manicure your own nails, maybe Uncle Al or Alan of Scrabo or the Actor or your husband may be more suited to respond. His knowledge of male grooming may be more in depth than yours, and indeed, his hands are likely similar to mine - never done a hard day's work!!

Advice Sought (again)

Have another problem & nothing to do with my Saudi Date nor my physical state although may, like the earphone problem, start to affect my mind.

Sitting here in my lunchhourandahalf trying to do the Suduko in the Arab News, it's a level 2 & I'm struggling with it. I do it most morning before I start work to test my mental state for the day, it's now lunchtime & I'm struggling with it. Is it a sign that my work productivity levels are going to be limited this afternoon.


Please help!!!

Virtual Methodist Rouses himself on a Monday Morning

I may have risen from my bed this Monday morning, but I will not rise to the baiting re the number of days I work, except to say I that I thought that was the case when I signed on but didn't read the small print... Anyway, I'm actually going to work less than one day per week for a while as I am now on holiday for the next 13 days... Yipee! Mind you, it has started raining here in MI... and when it rains here it doesn't mess about... Its the whole "Thunder and Lightning very very frightning" bit...
But anyway... just to add my tuppence, not only has Markof Arabia said that the problem is with the short cable end of his headphones, the theory proposed by Auntie Di is one that confirms the age old stereotype of women not understanding physics very much...
1) Had it been sound carrying along the cables there would need to have been approximately 50m difference in the length of the headphone cables for there to be a discernable difference between each ear... Not a very handy length.
but
2) It isn't sound travelling along the cables... That may be how your bi-lateral eartrumpets work Auntie Di (she is getting terribly old after all)... but electricity (I'm sure you've heard of it). In that case it would require a difference of approximately 12, 000 miles between the cable lengths to cause them to be out of sync. If that indeed is the case then I suggest the problem is that the battery in your MP3 isn't strong enough to drive the circuit!

Alternatively, you've probably sat on the earphone and busted the connection!

As for the beard... I wouldn't bother shaving... They don't seem to be a problem re attracting suitable female-type company where you currently reside.

VM

Mark of Arabia Responds

Let's go public on this, maybe more than the two of us plus the Virtual Methodist may join in. He's obviously a typical minister, works one day per week. I always have said that there's only one profession better - Santa Claus!!

Sadly, the earphone with the longer of the two wires is the one that produces the better sound. Your theory is logical but proven. It's the opposite in fact. It's also the opposite re: Graham, I need to repeat, repeat & speak louder to him plus today I've agreed a 50% reduction in my fee when I join MMG on a permanent basis. Bought more cotton buds on my shopping spree but these haven't helped either.

The sleep thing isn't really a problem, 5 hrs does me, get plenty of rest at work. Sadly I can't swim but would add I'm not frightened of water, had a shower sometime last week! My exercise amounts to walking up & down the stairs from my office on the 3rd floor to the 1st floor to try to establish why the 7 spreadsheet I have don't tie up even though the base data is the same!! I reckon that 50% of my time is actually spend away from the desk. Does that count as exercise.

The shaving thing is always been an issue with me, never have enjoyed it much since the day I nicked my left shin before entering a cycling competition. Think that in future, will try the waxing method. Thanks for the compliment re: looking more macho, hope it was to me direct, grateful that this time it's come from a female. Great Auntie Di, you've done my confidence the world of good!!!

Apologies

Dear Mr Of Arabia,
I'm so sorry, but I had offered advice concerning your other issues which for some reason didn't post when I sent to publish.

Anyway, concerning your problems with sleeping. I am worried that you do not have a holistic life balance - that is the spiritual, mental and physical aspects of your life! Could I ask you a few questions? Do you spend most of your day at a desk or computer keyboard? Do you rarely take exercise? Are friends beginning to subtly suggest that your face is getting a little fatter than they remembered?
I would suggest that you try to get a little more exercise each day - go swimming, find a gym or take a walk after each meal for about 15 minutes. This should help you to go to bed with a less buzzing mind and sleep much more peacefully - at night rather than during the day. Do let me know you are getting on.

As for the facial hair - I wouldn't worry - just keep shaving - they say hairy men are more macho - the more times per day - the more macho!!

Great Auntie Di replies

Dear Mr Of Arabia,
Sorry to hear about your MP3 player. Could you check the lengths of each of the wires on your in-ear pieces. I would suggest that one may be longer than the other - and of course it would take the sound longer to travel along the longer wire, therefore becoming fainter - hence - quieter in one ear. Or then again - you might just need to use a quick cotton bud.


I'm slightly more concerned about the affect this relative inconsequential headset issue is having on your mental health. I don't think your hearing is badly affected. Try getting Graham to whisper "You can have a 50% payrise" from 15metres away. I'm sure that will reassure you that your hearing is fine.

Juicy Bits & It's Nothing to Do With Oranges

Actually that title has no relevance to what I'm doing to seek Great Auntie Di's help for. There are two issues.

Firstly, while listening to my MP3 player this week, I thought that the right in-ear earphone (that's what Sony described them as on website) seems to be producing a louder sound than the left. The more I think about it, the more it seems my theory is right. I've tried the one earphone in / one earphone out bit, swapped the earphones R to L / L to R & even resorted to standing in front of the mirror & seeing if the right earphone is pushed in further than the left. I'm now getting a complex & wondering whether I've personally got a hearing problem, a deformary in my left ear or subconsciously, I've been led to think that one is louder than the other. It's now obviously affected me so much that I need some guidance.

The 2nd issue is regarding my sleep. The week just gone, I've been going to bed earlier, around 11-11.30pm & getting up the usual time of 6.30am. I'm now feeling weary alot in the evenings around 6pm & even as soon as 3pm if I've had a big lunch. What should I do, as it's starting to affect my work & more importantly, my ability to write anything of sense on either blog.

Oh, just remembered a 3rd one. For the 1st couple of weeks here, I noticed my facial growth was at a lesser rate than when in N. Ireland, but now it's all changed & the complete opposite. I'm not concerned about giving a poor girl a rash on her face, the abaya takes care of that, but am somewhat worried that my Clinique after shave balm is nearly out & I can't find a replacement one to do the same job. What do I do, I'd thought of a beard as that will not affect by pulling powers here but may make me itch alot. Help me please.

So Great Auntie Di, there's a few problems I'm facing as I start another week. I look forward to your advice.

Concerned for Billie

Ever since Billie Piper appeared back in Dr Who - I've been worried about her teeth. Does anyone else have any concerns? Virtual Methodist what about you? You are indeed an avid Dr Who fan - like myself. In her initial dialogue she seemed to have developed a bit of a lisp, in fact for the first two scenes I was mesmerised. Uncle Al's attention was caught too and he looked up from his paper in surprise. It was almost as if she had an extra set of teeth in on top of her old ones. The teeth seemed to settle in though and by the final two episodes the old Rose was almost back to normal. It was a worrying time though. Perhaps the teeth got sent back through the rift before she did - there may be a later episode just starring the teeth. It's just a shame that we have to wait for a whole year before we get another series. Hamlet better be worth it.

Blood from a stone and pulling teeth are sort of the same thing Mark of Arabia - perhaps there is some learning in this....

I'm a little disappointed that none of my invitees have bothered me with any of their vast and potentially juicy problems. A problem shared is soon a headline in a tabloid - unless you share it with Auntie Di or as I now from today am known Great Auntie Di.

PI At Work

In my capacity as a PI here in Saudi, I'm going to see if I can find out the identity of the mystery contributors on this blog. Here's what I know so far -

• Blogblag - I reckon this person is female but can't go further at this stage
• Intrigued - ditto
• Ministry of Tray Bakes - is a female from Belfast, Co. Down. Now that would point out that she's maybe from South or East Belfast.

I wish one of them would post to give me some more clues.

Just listening to Elton John's Greatest Hits album & thought the song was 'I like Girls' but after searching the internet, it's actually 'Island Girl'. That would kinda tie up more!!

Auntie Di, she's a great one, she's been emailing regularly this afternoon. If she mentions anything to do with 'it's like getting blood out of a stone', she's referring to me.

Sweaty rain

There's nothing worse than sweaty rain. We just had our two days of summer and just as my son Sam's summer scheme were heading to Stormont Park, the heaven's opened. But it's still really warm. I headed out secure in the knowledge that I had my waterproof in my bag only to reach in my hand and pull out the empty pack-a-mac bag.
Mmm - interesting "Thought for the day" by Gareth Higgins this morning. He confessed to the fact that he is about to emigrate from Northern Ireland and was asking such questions as, "I wonder will I find myself having to sell newspapers at road junctions? Or will people shout abuse at me in the street?" I have to say I think it unlikely, Gareth. Are you not going to America to do something intellectual at a University? Maybe I'm wrong. Perhaps Virtual Methodist could help out with this. How likely is it that Gareth will find himself locked up in an Immigants detention centre in the next say 3 months? Still I took his point on attitudes to Immigrants in this country. I remember David White (our Ballymena friend who's name doesn;t reflect the colour of his skin) the Community Relations facilitator asking us all in a workshop why our daughters or Aunts who had emigrated had just gone to the country of their choice to get pregnant.
Well, my Auntie Margaret in the States is 71 and when she went she'd already got two children. Mind you. She did have another all American boy while she was there. Perhaps that was her cunning plan all the time.

Double Drivel

Having difficulty in maintaining my train of thought in my own blog, currently charting my "adventures" in Michigan, so I won't be doing too much of that here... However... I should say in a much less coded way here since those involved are not likely to be reading this, that the so-called "Mistress of Ceremonies" at the wedding I did on Friday, would better be referred to as "The Wedding Witch" or "Nuptials Nazi."

I am never... Never... NEVER... letting any such being within a million miles of ANY wedding that I am having anything to do with EVER again...

Is that clear?

Or do you think I have unresolved control issues Aunty Di?

Power Training & Potty Hosing

Yes, now that's another idea. Uncle Al is power training & like Iona marking his territory. He's the good old guy who's the man about the house, sorry outside the house. He's wanting to take over power & started in the garden. He'll surround you & you have no option to surrender.

There will be plenty of potty hosing once Iona has mastered the art, she will do so when you least expect it. The hosing starts when she moves on to No.2s!!! Like you, I've been there but it's all worthwhile in the long run.

About my pre-occupation with females hands & feet. Well, that's all I see, eyes as well but all of them have dark eyes. The checklist is as follows & I'm not jesting. I don't do it this time here but did the last time when I was in my mid 20's.

• Hands - slender, shiney, false nails, manicured / painted nails & slim wrists
• Feet - slim ankles, wearing high heels, shiney, manicured / painted nails

There's also some other telltale signs with build, height, posture, walk, wearing designer sunglasses, rings & other jewellery.

Maybe, should start a competition on this blog based on the hands/feet theory. Just where I'd find Saudi girls may be the problem - Bahrain, Dubai, London likely good starting places!!

Potting training or power hosing?

What do you think might be the wetter past-time? My beloved Husband, Uncle Al decided that a powerhosing of the drive was long overdue and headed out in his wellies leaving me in the house with a normally clever 2yr 8mth old in a pair of big girls pants for the second day.

To say that Tesco's was sold out of pants after yesterday's attempt to encourage my delightful daughter that wee wee's should be done in the potty or the toilet is an understatement. People in waders were seen with yard brushes brushing the wee out the front door in waves. She seemed interested only in sitting on the purpose-built duck seat to look good. Then she would jump of and triumphantly open the flood gates. I had of course lifted the rugs in advance, but she managed to pick the lock of the lounge door to drop her first fountain on the new carpet there. She doesn't just like to do the same wee in one place either. Today she managed to wee in the kitchen and then follow me along the hall and target the first two stairs. In fact she's obviously going for making her mark in every room in the house. So far the bathroom, shower room and downstairs toilet are the only rooms she hasn't actuallywee'd in - yep - the only ones where there is a toilet.

So Auntie Di's advice for the day is, do your potty training naked in the garden - or get a large cork. It's a lot less hassle and dryer for all concerned.

Heavy Day

As I am sitting here at my desk - watching the rain (having finished a day at The Link for all you snitchers out there) gradually turning over the kebab spit downstairs and wondering what the risk assessment is for overheating - I couldn't help but remember what my mother used to say - "ner cast a clout 'til May is out"!

Well how wrong our mothers can sometimes be. May has indeed been the hottest month so far this year and, as far as I can remember for the last 7 years. So whist I was sitting sweating in my half-sleeve lightly knitted thermals - the sun was splitting the trees. There was a particularly warm May day in 2001 --mmmm I remember it well. I was lying in the window bed of the maternity unit of the Ulster Hospital with a small (not indeed 7 foot eleven) 7lb 11oz bundle of joy in a perspex box beside me sleeping peacefully (the only time he ever did for the next three years). I remember how hot it was because I was tied to the bed by a catheter and longing to escape for a shower and getting gradually closer and closer to a panic attack!
Of course if I hadn't listened to my wise old mother and removed my thermal - I'd probably have been fine - the nurse had to cut me out of it in the end.

So the moral is fellow bloggers - taken your vest off before going into hospital and preferably before May even starts.

If I can help in any way - my ear is always cocked!

Witterings

Just getting into my agony aunt mode.
Please feel free to let me help you in any any I can. Do you have trouble with children, especially small ones with determined natures?? - well I have all the answers - biting, tantrums, toilet training, messey eating - I do them all. Perhaps you have trouble growing plants? My horticultural prowess is know across the Ards Peninsula? Has your spell checker seized and your having problems with your worms? - let me pick up every grammatical nuance. Does your hair grow too fast and you find it difficult to walk past a barbers shop without popping in for a quick haircut? My immac is at your disposal.
I'm waiting with a listening ear cocked longing to help. Do get in touch.

Hello world!

I decided this blogging lark was good fun, so I thought I just might set up my own for a laugh - maybe do some serious and some not so serious posts. You might be interested and you might not, whatever, feel free to join in and publish comments.